Here’s a quick thought piece from my friend, dating coach Liz Leia. I like to get her voice in here – it’s important to #1 hear directly from smart women what’s going on over there in lady-land and #2 hear direct validation of some of the most important principles I teach.
One of those core principles is that as a man, you’ve got to be the source of power. You’ve got be like a nuclear plant — GIVING energy, rather than trying to suck it in. There is a reason that in all mythologies that the sun is masculine and the moon, which reflects the light of the sun, is feminine.
The key — don’t seek validation. Don’t seek to GET from women. Get into the practice of giving. As a Sufi poet once wrote in a poem called, “The Sun”…
“Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth
“You owe me”
Look what happens with a love like that
It lights the whole sky”
Light up the sky. Here’s Liz…
* * *
Ever heard the phrase “Nice guys finish last”? And even if you haven’t heard that phrase, I’m sure you’ve heard that nice guys aren’t the ones that get the girl.
Maybe they get the girl in romantic comedies, but certainly not in real life, right?
Depends on your definition of “nice.”
Are you walking around thinking, “Yeah, I could get women to like me…but I’m too nice and women only want jerks.”? Then I have news for you: you don’t want to be nice. (And you don’t want to be a jerk either—I’ll explain in a minute).
When you look up the word nice in the dictionary, the many definitions actually center around being pleasant, refined, and reserved. There’s a sense that niceness is about always being pleasant, regardless of how you actually feel.
In other words, “nice” is another way of saying “approval seeking.” And yes, approval seeking guys finish last.
Jerks are mean, controlling, manipulative—and more sexually exciting than a nice guy, but ultimately not what a woman wants either.
This isn’t just an argument about semantics; knowing that when we say nice, we often really mean approval seeking is important when it comes to understanding why “nice” guys don’t get the girl.
Most of the time, when we think we are being nice, we are approval seeking.
For example, what if I had an unreciprocated crush on a guy (I know, hard to believe, right?) and I bought him a gift? On the surface, I’m deluding myself with the thought of, “Oh, look at me, I’m such a nice person buying him a gift. I’m just that kind of girl that spontaneously buys her friends thoughtful gifts.” Underneath all of that is the desperate thought, “Oh my Gosh I really want you to like me!!!”
By the way, this is not to say that you should never do anything kind, thoughtful, or compassionate. Helping people out and treating them well is an essential part of having good relationships.
It’s about your intent. If your intent is just to help, then you’ll help the other person and be done with it. If your intent is to make people like you…then how much are you actually thinking about the other person?
This is the trap of being the nice guy. On the surface, he appears giving and caring, but underneath, he is selfish and greedy—only doing nice things to win the approval, affection, and love of others.
Women sense his deeper motives and they are turned off.
Meanwhile, a jerk will attract women because he doesn’t do this kind of approval seeking, and so on those rare occasions when he demonstrates caring and compassion, a woman knows he means it.
Some women will put up with jerk behavior most of the time just for those rare instances of true compassion—after all, she can’t trust that she will ever get true kindness and compassion from the approval seeking nice guy.
His approval seeking gets in the way of her ever being able to fully appreciate and receive what he has to offer—which is, of course, ultimately much more than what a jerk has to offer.
So, next time you catch yourself wanting to be nice, stop and ask yourself, “What’s my true intention here? Am I actually being a good friend/lover/boyfriend in this moment? Or am I just trying to get this person’s approval?”
When you find yourself wanting to get more than you want to give in that kind of situation, take a moment to ask yourself, “What’s this about? What is it about this person that I feel like they can give me something I can’t give to myself?”
The truth is, all love is self-love, and all acceptance is self-acceptance. Sometimes, we just seek other people to give ourselves permission to feel that love and acceptance.
By the way, I know loving and accepting yourself is easier said than done. But, awareness of when you are trying to cover up approval seeking with the thought, “I’m being nice” is a great way to start that journey.
Liz Leia is a writer, dating coach, Master Practitioner of NLP and hypnosis, and the former editor for Sean Stephenson’s Inner Game Magazine. Liz owns the company Getting Inside A Woman, where she writes and coaches men in how to be truly attractive to women without any pick-up lines or gimmicks.
Check out more material from Liz Leia at www.gettinginsideawoman.com.
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Hi Liz,
I like your presentation, It hints on whats been missing. When I get totaly frustrated I take ot the big guns and get results. but not fulfilling.I look forward to reading your news letter.
Sincerely,
John Stefaniak.