Photo by D Sharon Pruitt
When you enter into an intimacy — a date or a relationship — you are signing up to be on the same team. This seems so obvious, but people’s inability to live this simple truth kills relationship after relationship. It will kill your date, and it will certainly kill your marriage.
Think of the winningest teams in sports…
Players on a winning team don’t have to approve of everything their teammates do on or off the court, but they do need to pass the ball to each other — and not the other team!
They need to look out for each other to prevent injuries and warn their teammates when they are heading for trouble. They need to communicate well with each other so that they can move the ball down court and actually score the points.
In a relationship, these points mark happiness, laughter, trust, relaxation — each point increasing the measure of love.
So what does “being on the same team” look like?
If someone compliments your partner for something worthwhile, celebrate her. I’ve been in the situation where I’ve been funny at a dinner, and my then partner would stew afterwards about why no one laughed at “her” jokes.
Who knows? Maybe they weren’t funny. Or maybe the dinnergoers were thick and didn’t get their subtlety. More important was the ding it put in our relationship — because it was clear that she was more concerned with ego than in enjoying her “teammate.” By contrast, in company, my mom laughed at my father’s jokes (he was a great joke-teller) no matter how many times she heard them before – helping to build an air of support. He knew her laughter wasn’t the actual guffaw of surprise — and he loved her more for it. They were married 52 years and only saw them argue once. They were on the same team.
A good, smart woman who is committed to deepening a relationship with a man will pass you the ball so you can score and celebrate you victories when you score — no matter how small nor how big. She is investing in your feeling like a success in the world. Not supporting your victories signals trouble down the line.
From the woman’s side, she generally needs to feel beautiful, appreciated, protected and connected to you – and as a man, when you feel at any point that her faith in any of these qualities is wavering, just take her strongly in your arms and assure her that she is any or all of these things. If you sense she feels disconnected or your attention is on others, take her hand, or her waist and pull her tight, even as you may be talking to others. If she is down on herself in any way, demonstrate that she is beautiful — stroke her hair or admire something about her body, her eyes, her smile. She will light up.
To demonstrate that she is protected — physically put yourself between her and any perceived threat (another man, an aggressive woman, rain splashes, traffic, her mother).
These small but essential gestures deepen her sense of trust in you, and will engender a deep, passionate and enduring devotion in you as a man.
One final thing – and I’ve seen this so many times (mostly among married couples who get sloppy with each other)…
Never — ever — insult each other in front of others. For that matter, bite your tongue when insulting your partner when your partner is not there.
You are on the same team — and the court is not limited to your house or when you are in the same room. If you need to discuss problems, challenges or issues with a friend, that’s fine. But if you insult or complain about your partner with friends or colleagues — the bad feeling you create will carry over. She’s smart. She’ll feel it. The team spirit will be broken.
And you will become a free agent sooner than you may want.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
very good and how true ,keep up the good work its good to see sombody wants to help in this way
Wolf.b.
I’ve just seen so many people blow a good thing. There’s enough trouble in life. Why create unnecessary trouble by getting caught up in your ego and chasing away the people who actually care about you?