Okay guys, now let's get counterintuitive...
Adam,
I’ve been reading your weekly messages and posts. They’re great. Thanks for all the great advice. I just had a question for you:
So, there is this woman whom I dated/lived with for 2 years. We broke up about a year ago but we still hang out and still acknowledge to each other that we’ll someday end up together. On occasion we still kiss and make-out a bit. But she says as of right now that there is no spark between us anymore. Which makes it difficult for her to want to have sex.
I was wondering if you had any advice to bring that spark back? I know I can do it and I love this girl a lot. I just want to make her feel good. You see, since we’ve broken up I’ve been trying to better myself with these personal quests and I’ve been reading through messages and posts from gurus such as yourself as well as a lot of sex books. So I want to give her my new talents! Any help would be much appreciated! Thanks for your time.
Jordan
MY RESPONSE:
Hey Jordan,
This one is easy.
You know how you want to go out for a great meal? The best restaurant in town? What DON’T you do in the hours before that meal?
You don’t eat crackers. You don’t nibble on almonds and raisins. You stay away from the Ben and Jerry’s in your freezer.
In other words – you don’t snack. You stay hungry.
And you start craving that meal that is waiting for you.
By hanging out with her and making out with her, you are giving her crackers. You are sating her need to feel loved, accepted, valued.
But you’re sating that need just enough to prevent her from craving the meal. The meal of you.
Or to use your metaphor, your dampening her wick so the spark can’t catch.
You’ve got to disappear a bit. You can be direct and say, “I care about you so much. You are so deeply in my heart. It’s really not possible for me to just hang around with you right now. My love for you is too strong. But we may just not be right for each other. You seem to feel that way. Maybe it’s just a passing doubt, but maybe it isn’t. I love this life and I am committed to loving someone fully. So I’m going to take some time off from “us” in order to stay committed to my highest goal — to give my time, to give my heart fully to someone who feels the same way about me. I will always care about you.”
You don’t have to use exactly those words, but you get the point.
Then –- and here is the key — vanish!
You can text, but if she wants to hang out or meet, stay with your commitment. You can say you need a week or a month or three months – but whatever you say – mean it.
Or she’ll never believe you about anything.
Then – I assume you’re both on facebook – go out and have a FABULOUS life. Post happy posts, post happy pictures of you being awesome (but not with your arms around other girls).
If she really does love you, if she really wants to be with you, she will mount a campaign to get you back.
Then you have my permission to wow her with your awesome sexual skills. J
Your friend,
Adam
ps — HEY EVERYBODY — a brilliant beautiful woman friend of mine is just now finishing up a book on exactly this subject — how to rekindle the spark with that amazing girl you either intentionally or stupidly let go — or lost. please post your IDEAS for her – as well as your QUESTIONS below. This is going to be a powerful, savvy and sexy book — just like the authoress!!!!!
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Adam –
You are so right on! When I was 28, I was dating the girl of my dreams, but then it was summer, she was away for work, the beach was packed with girls and you can guess what happened. I didn’t tell her anything, but she could tell — I wasn’t answering her nighttime texts (Dumb!).
Here’s what worked. I tried to hang around her, but the tension and sense of betrayal lingered – and made everything tense. And everytime I tried to step it up, she would pull back.
So I tolk her in no uncertain terms. “I love you with all my heart. I would do anything to regain your trust. But I broke your trust and I take responsibility for that. I’m going to go away for a month. I won’t try to contact you. If you feel after a month that you can love me, and forgive me, you contact me. I need to start over, either with you or with someone else.”
She tried not to react, but I could see it in her eyes. She started loving me right then.
I let the month go by, and sure enough – six days later she called. We met at a cafe. She asked if I had meant what I said. I said I am a man of my word (which I had just proven by staying away).
We’re engaged. Keep telling the truth out there. It’s worth it.
TJ
You are right . I was going to say just vanish . No words , just go. Me and my girl – it was like that . She wanted to do this and that before she married, so I just left.
That was 4 April . Then on 16 july, I sent her a Happy Birthday message and suddenly she’s more receptive.
My question for your friend is , now that I have my foot in the door , how should I proceed? I’m taking the slow approach right now .
I was knocked down by love once! About 2 years ago I was intensely in love with the woman of my dreams! She was beautiful,fit,sexy,smart, young,etc. I am not into soul mates or love at first sight, but that was as close as you can get! We both had issues with family,friends, and everything else you can throw in their. It ended and we both said goodbye! I worked on myself more than usual but learned a lot of spiritual stuff. I was physically more fit, had a better job, more friends, women were attracted to me, went out a lot, tried so many new things and so much more! Life was better and still gets better everyday! I put myself in a no woman diet! It changed me more as a man! It added more inside myself and saw the world with better clarity! My ex found me again online about a couple of weeks ago! I was curious about her but nothing more! My feelings were gone and I did not feel the same but I really felt stronger within. She talked about the future and how we can get together but none of that didn’t matter to me. I told her we can be friends and nothing more. What I learned is all happiness and peacefulness comes from within. You don’t really need anyone or anything! When you are clear inside yourself , everything outside comes together and even if it doesn’t I still accept what is! There are so many levels to this but you have control where you want to go! Especially finding the woman that is right for you!
Mr.A
I wanted to disagree, but in honesty, I can’t truthfully tell you a better way. It feels like a BIG risk to take, to remove yourself from her sight, not talking onthe phone every day, or texting her every night, but … well, cooling down is probably the best way to go. You do have to make it clear that you aren’t just dumping her, that you retain tender feelings for her, but you are giving her “space” to “process”. Let her know that you want to get “back to normal” with her (normal being full of enthusiasm for each other, but bored). Now there is another person of whom I am aware who may be able to help you more because he specializes in exactly your situation. Try http://eca.sh/getherback and see if he has any suggestions you feel more comfortable with. Not everyone feels/works the same, so he’s just an alternative. Okay?
Sincerely,
Love and warm wishes,
Stafford “Doc” Williamson
Yea, I have done this a few times over the years with my wife when we have had a major argument ” I love you with all my heart, you are the most important woman in the world to me, but I wasn’t raised as a spoilt child, I know that I can’t always have what I really want, and it takes two to tango, so if thats the way you feel, I will pack my bags and go” Like hell, I would usually manage two or three bags before she would be begging me to stay!
Nice – I appreciate your honesty. And YES. It’s a big risk. Two things about this — and I defer here to Richard Branson of Virgin, Richard Dennis of Dennis Publishing and Tony Hsieh who founded Zappos: in life and in love– it’s only with the BIG risks do you get the BIG rewards. Playing small gets you small rewards, often pungent with resentment, unfulfilled passion and the knowledge that a better life awaits you elsewhere. And second, taking this kind of risks affirms an ABUNDANCE mindset.
You can approach women and life with a sense that you can have or achieve whatever you set your mind to, and the world is abundant with resources and alternatives the better than you get. Or you can approach the world as grab what you can while you can because you may not get a second chance.
With the first – you will move mountains, discover that there are tens of thousands of fantastic women waiting to meet someone who develops himself into a worthy, admirable man and lover and that life is actually exactly the adventure you create. With the second, you will cling in fear to whatever log floats your way. And you’ll miss out on the REST of the beauty and experience the world is waiting to offer you.
I’ll be talking about this a LOT more this year, as I am focusing more on more on what it means to live an INSPIRED life — and how that magnetically attracts the best, warmest, most vivacious and life-loving women.
BEAUTIFUL! You illustrate a couple of things.
1. The abundance mentality I discussed on the comment above. Part of knowing that there is SO MUCH MORE in the world than your mind-habits tell you, is grounding yourself in FREEDOM. Once you are free from “needing” or “neediness” – you realize what you actually desire. And then you go out and get it without fear of loss. It’s a happier journey. Most people’s desire is rooted in fear of losing an image of themselves. The happy journey of life (and the kind that attracts women’s interest and devotion) is the journey toward living your dreams, to creating something beautiful, meaningful or just kick-ass cool with your life. And we are each capable of doing that. A buddy of mine – Jason Moffitt – calls himself the leader of the Todayism movement – and that’s dedicated to doing just one awesome thing a day. Check out his blog here — he’s one of the freest, most honest people I know – right now, just jammin’ around the US West in an RV with his girl, his dog and his laptop. So you don’t have to quit your job and move to Tahiti and teach surfing. Just one thing a day to vitalize your spirit, put a smile on your face, give you something fun and inspirational to talk about — and watch how THAT affects your success with women.
2. Second thing — when you truly focus on cleansing yourself of old, useless beliefs and habits that you pick up in life by happenstance (family, friends, relationships, movies, religious or political authorities) — and you take on new beliefs and practices that nourish and grow you — you find yourself attracted to higher and higher quality friends — and women. And the girl you thought was “all that,” turn out to be not so much.
We are all prisoners of the crap in our heads we’ve picked up over the years until we CONSCIOUSLY release the stuff that doesn’t serve us — and replace it with practices and beliefs that do.
Hey W — interesting situation. I don’t have all the details, and I have sent your question on to my friend. From what I cull from your letter, it would seem that clarity is a priority. The past is the past, and there’s no reason to dwell on old hurts AT ALL — and it’s important to say, this is what didn’t work for me then. It won’t work for me now. If you feel we are worth it, then we have to start from there.
I bought so many ebooks on this subject, I’ve lost count. I kept looking for “the trick” that would work. Each approach seemed to come across as a manipulation and for the next 2 or 3 years after the breakup, it felt like she hated me. This was the relationship that I became needy and obsessive and it destroyed all future chances. The first time she broke up with me, I successfully managed to act like it didn’t upset me and she came back quickly. The second time, nothing worked. Changing the behavior that chased her away can be a real challenge.
Joe – its a good point – that every situation is different. But what is universal is that the only card you ever hold is your own. Your mind. Your convictions. Your devotion to your highest values. Your life. You never hold HER card. You do what YOU need to do to serve YOU — and you respect her enough to have her own process as an independent adult woman.
So anyone who recommends manipulation is hurting everyone involved. It’s why I HAAAAAAAATE the book “The Rules” for women. But don’t get me started on that! The point is not to ACT like it didn’t upset you, but to truly let go and get free internally so that you are not upset.
And yes — changing the behavior that chases away love is difficult. It is also necessary. But only if you want love and intimacy in your life.
I’m seeing a theme here in the letters I’m getting about this: needy/obsessive = defeat. Self-development, freedom and letting go = victory. You either win her back by dint of WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE IN TRUTH. Or you win by becoming a better, freer, stronger man, ready for another beauty to find you.
As Edison said about his huge fortune — “I failed my way to success.”
Take DeAngelos’ advice. Move on. I once paid money for a program that guaranteed success getting a woman back. At the bottom of the web site was written, to paraphrase,’be sure this is what you want’ and ‘if she has messed with any of your friends, don’t do it!’. Well, I did it. I paid the money. After a few contacts she began to make a bee line for me but certain memories of the breakup became like daggers in my mind. Talk about mind splitting! The best advice I have heard is, to paraphrase, ’she broke up with a great guy like you? and hurt you like that?’ Marry her and you will regret it.’
Hello Adam
I am subscribed to your e-mail letters & I just want to let you know how I think your mentality towards the dating scenario is quite awesome.
You point out to your reader about ‘working on themselves’ before anything else, & I particularly have found this the case in my own dating life.
My marriage broke up in 2002 after 23 years & I was heartbroken & homeless & after a few months of sulking I realised I had to get back on the scene again.
Although I’m in my late forties (49) I never found it a problem pulling ladies of all ages because I seem to have a certain sense of humour that attracts them plus I feel I am confident too but my problem was, without realising it, I think I was a little angry at all women, I just stereotyped them all because I would go out with many & start a relationship, only to be happy to finish with each one after a few months or weeks, plus I was always messing them about (being indecisive) as they would say.
Two years ago I took time out because of a few bad experiences from ex girlfriends and one of them even became my stalker which I found drained me of my otherwise positive energy, but within this time I also discovered the most vital part of becoming one with the lady of my dreams.
I blamed all the women at first, thinking they are all a pain in the butt. But, I had also matured enough in this time & realised that it was I who had the problem, not any of these women whom I blamed.
So, I looked deep within myself, I put my past marriage behind me & stopped blaming her because everything that has happened between two people takes two to take the blame & I actually really decided what it is THAT I NOW WANTED! Once I realised this a weight had seemingly lifted from my shoulders & on the 1st of January 2010 although I wasn’t looking, I met someone on Facebook, or should I say, she pursued me, & she is what I truly desire & I make it known to her how special she is to me & we’ve been together ever since, & the sparks are still flying.
Sorry for such a long letter Adam, I just wanted to thank you for your positive philosophy on your subject, & for helping others with their dating problems.
Respect Dale
Dale, No need to aplologize. just the opposite…
You’ve done everyone a favor.
We must each reach into ourselves – actively, fearlessly (but also in a spirit of play, because love is funny, sex is funny, and it’s amazing that any of us screwed up beings can make each other happy, (much less ourselves!) — and slowly dissolve the self-destructive ideas that hold us back from loving fully and passionately and fearlessly (one of those common ideas is the one you mentioned: “all women are like the woman that done me wrong!” — and its 100% untrue)
People take time to clean out their closets, clean out their cupboards, their fridges and basements — but so few clean out the musty, cobwebbed, stanky idea-bank of their minds.
I once wrote about the day after my ex wife moved out how I spent two hours in a supermarket – not even sure what I liked to eat on my own!!! I literally held produce and 7 grain breads and brown rice, item after item in my hands and asked them: “do I like you or do I eat you because WE ate you?”
It’s the same with our ideas, beliefs and life patterns. We need to CONTINUALLY be asking them – do you serve me, or do you exist because I never took time to ask if you were any good to me at all?
And then chuck the crap that holds us back from the passionate, bold, fun, open, vulnerable, loving, adventurous life we all TRULY WANT!!!
It’s just buried under years of belief-crap.
By the way — for anyone who’s reading this — we’ll be focusing on cleaning out your junkbelief-closet at our first annual Deep Attraction Summit in October. More on that soon!
And Dale – right on for creating AN INSPIRED LIFE THAT ATTRACTS LOVE. Respect right back.
Adam
J – yeah, nothing with regards to enduring intimacy is GUARANTEED! It sounds like there was good info there– but what was missing was cleaning up those painful memories. As always, attraction can be triggered, but enduring devotion must be inspired — and the only way to THAT is to do the hard emotional/spiritual work of TRULY letting go of the past so that it has no emotional pull on you (or her) any more.
And that really comes down to ego. “My ego was hurt and I aint gonna let go of it because it makes me feel better and more self-righteous to feel like a victim, than to release those past injuries and take on life right now from a position of empowered presence.” Now, this only works when you trust each other enough to truly believe that whatever personal traits that led to the bust-up have been addressed. If you don’t trust that each other have grown and evolved – there is no reason to let go of defensive victim status – because you’ll be victimized by those behaviors all over again.
I do disagree with the last statement: “marry her and you’ll regret it.” Here’s why… sometimes — SOMETIMES — women hurt us because they are testing the strength of our love. they might not consciously know it, but they are testing us. They are DESPERATELY wanting us not to overreact or pull away, but to love them even more deeply — and then their hurtful behavior dissolves as if by magic. And sometimes they hurt us because they are still working out father issues, life issues and are just confused and SELF-destructive in the moment.
If she is worth it to you, then the solidity of your love and presence and non-reactivity in these moments might be exactly the deep ground of trust that she needs to transform into a more fully actuated adult woman.
Just sayin’
It sounds like if she/you had done the